| SantaBanta Universal Humour for October 15, 2013 Posted: 14 Oct 2013 11:30 AM PDT | | | Had Pythagoras been alive today, probably he would have repented wasting those precious years in deriving his theorem. | | | | Murphy asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
"I got it in church," he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.
"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!" | | | |  | | | | At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.
One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get in the confessional," which Joe did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said, "I can't hear you."
Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So they traded places and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"
To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here!!!" | | | | | | | | A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!" | | | | | | | | संता का अपनी बीवी से झगड़ा हो गया।
वह काफी गुस्से में अपने घर से निकला गली से होकर जल्दी जल्दी दफ्तर की तरफ जा रहा था तभी उसे एक आवाज सुनाई दी ठहरो! ठहर जाओ! अगर तुमने एक कदम भी आगे बढ़ाया तो एक ईंट तुम्हारे सिर पर आकर गिरेगी और तुम यहीं मर जाओगे।
संता घबराहट में इधर उधर देखने लगा तभी एक ईंट आकर उसके पैर के पास गिरी संता ने चारों और नजर दौड़ाई पर उसे वो आवाज देने वाला कहीं नजर नही आया।
वह वैसे ही गुस्से में था तो उसने ज्यादा ध्यान भी नही दिया और आगे बढ़ गया।
गली छोड़कर वह मुख्य सड़क पर आ गया जैसे ही वह सड़क पार करने लगा फिर से वही आवाज उसके कानों में पड़ी ठहरो! ठहर जाओ! एक कदम भी आगे बढ़ाया तो एक गाड़ी तुम्हें कुचल देगी।
संता फिर रुक गया तभी एक गाड़ी संता को लगभग छूती हुई निकल गयी।
संता बहुत हैरान हो गया कि ये आवाज देने वाला है कौन जो नजर भी नही आ रहा है और मुझे खतरों से भी बचा रहा है।
संता ने जोर से आवाज लगाई, "अरे भाई कौन हो तुम?"
दूसरी तरफ से आवाज आई, "मैं आपका सेवक और रक्षक देवदूत हूँ मेरा काम आपको मुसीबतों से बचाना है।"
संता ने चिढ़ते हुए कहा, "अरे कमबख्त उस वक़्त तुम कहाँ मर गए थे जब मेरी शादी हो रही थी।" | | | | | | If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins. | | | | | | | Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment. | | | | | | | Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. | | | | | May your plate of life always be full of:
Succulent Kebabs and Tikkas;
Topped with a Chutney of Success;
And accompanied with Breads of Happiness!
Happy Bakr Eid! | | | | Santa: I broke down and cried when my wife tried to commit suicide.
Banta: It's natural - every guy would do that.
Santa: Quite right! That's the nicest thing she's ever attempted for me! | | | | As per survey, 7 out of 10 women love to go shopping.
The other 3 are coming back from shopping! | | | | बंता: अरे, आपके घर में आग लग गई है और आप यहां बैठे हो।
संता: तुम भी अजीब हो यार, चाबी मेरे पास है, आग कैसे लग सकती है। | | | | संता: तुम अपनी कक्षा में सबसे पीछे हो?
पप्पू: नहीं पापा, मेरे पीछे दीवार है। | | | | डॉक्टर: आपके लिए दो ख़बरें हैं एक अच्छी और एक बुरी।
मरीज: अच्छी वाली खबर क्या है?
डॉक्टर: आपके मरने में सिर्फ 24 घंटे बाकी हैं।
मरीज (आश्चर्य से) बोला: क्या! और बुरी खबर?
डॉक्टर: मैं आपको यह बात कल बताना भूल गया था। | | | | Dogs and cats - like humans, are also either right or left-handed. | | | | By raising one's legs slowly and laying on one's back, one cannot sink into quicksand. | | | | Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton. | | | | If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins. | | | | Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment. | | | | Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. | | | |
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